A Longing

Sometimes you read precisely what you need to. Old Man Talks posted here on Substack about a loneliness that comes with growth, when you outgrow old relationships and new ones haven’t formed. His encouragement was to keep growing and new things will form.

As I sit here alone in the space we call the Loft (it resembles a New York loft with its exposed brick and wood finish) I can’t help feeling that loneliness. Tonight it’s mixed with feelings of failure as, once again, I restructure our training offer to hopefully attract participants to new workshops. I don’t want to be self-indulgent or melancholic, but sometimes it’s just hard, especially when my energy is low.

Perhaps tomorrow will bring new perspective and fresh opportunities, but right now I want to listen to what the sadness brings, not brush it aside or push it down. I remember when I was part of the cult, the leader telling us that if we described something as hard it was our neurosis speaking and we needed to work to shrink that voice. This, of course, so we could keep on sacrificing and giving ourselves for our ‘wonderful’ mission. I have a Big ball of emotions around all that, not necessarily fit to be shared in polite company.

Back then, even though I was surrounded by people, I was lonely. This has been a constant theme throughout my life, so I was surprised yesterday when my nephew mentioned he admired my ability to engage others in conversation. I became aware of a juxtaposition. I replied back to him that his comment was interesting because I don’t have many friends. Although I’m incredibly curious about people and so ask lots of questions, this doesn’t seem to translate into the type of connection I’m looking for.

When I go for a morning walk I often see groups of 2 people walking together, talking through some problem or sharing about their upcoming day. Don’t worry, I only hear snippets of conversation, it’s not like I follow them or try to be part of their group. That gets kinda creepy rather quickly! Imagine an overweight 50-something man, with a giant beard trying to stealthily follow a much younger couple along the parkway. I think you get the picture. And don’t get me wrong, I have the love of my life, my true friend and companion without whom I’d be very lost, but one person can’t meet all our needs.

So, the couples walking the park, friends, lovers, colleagues, am I looking to be in a couple like that? Walking the park, talking over the day or a problem. Maybe not, the thought alone leaves me breathless. Maybe it’s more about my perception of what Old Man Talks was hinting at: a group of people who truly have each other’s back. They may not be in exactly the same place or even on the same journey, but value that a journey is taking place and from that space are willing to be, to share, to learn, to grow.